ASSOS - weird!

Hi, today I'd like to talk about ASSOS, a brand known for good quality stuff at prices you'd expect from a Swiss brand that makes good quality stuff. More specifically, I'd like to talk about a few of their products and how they're described and portrayed on the company's website. So, without further ado, let's have a wee looksie...


Airprotec


These becoming tights are described by ASSOS thus; "The Airprotec’s design is based on AEPD pattern design technology. The Airprotec tight features an almost genius knee solution. Whereas in the past, any incorporating of Airblock material always meant a reduction in elasticity and hence fit, the Airprotec’s kneezone is designed to make you forget that your knees are Airblock protected."


Firstly, let me say what a relief it is that these tights are based on AEPD pattern design technology. For too long tights have been made from pattern design technologies that just don't stack up. And ASSOS, why so modest? Come on, "almost genius knee solution"? No guys, this is genius. You know it, I know it, so just say it!
And after wearing these tights I did indeed forget that they were airblock protected. It was only afterwards, when I read the label again that I remembered that I was just running gear with Airblock protection. I think it goes without saying that I was astounded.
And I couldn't possibly move on without mentioning that Airprotecs feature C.Z.T. That's right, comfort zip technique.

Here's the ASSOS model rocking the Airprotecs. Note the camel-toe and the fact that he looks like he's about to take-off...and even though he's only just put them on, I'm pretty sure he's already completely forgotten that he's Airblock protected.

FI Mille S5

I've included this one purely on the merits of the photo. Here, the camel-toe outdoes the previous one. I'd go so far as to say they don't even look very comfortable. What do I mean by "they"? I'll let you be the judge...

What the Terminator would like if he were a cyclist...from Switzerland. I love how relaxed this guy is too.

Hot Summer Undershirt

In the words of ASSOS; "We proudly present the new generation of ASSOS sports body insulator. Very hi-tech, very comfortable, very stylish. Cut for the bike position, but not only! To be worn on the inside, as a next-to-skin layer. We don't call them sleeveless, short sleeve and long sleeve anymore, but we identify them by the season for which they are intended. The Hot Summer is a sleeveless top of light weight mesh front and rear. It is made with 2+1 fibers. 2 micro hydrophillic (Moisture push and pull) and 1 real silver yarn."
Yes, it is indeed very stylish. And I know exactly what they mean by "Cut for the bike position, but not only!" I frequently wear mine out and about, and people always comment on how stylish I look.

And I can understand why these garments are no longer called "sleeveless". No doubt ASSOS received one too many complaints along the lines of; "Look, I think your product is great, but the naming is confusing. I didn't realise that "sleeveless" meant no sleeves. I bought this specifically for winter but now I find that I'm getting cold. How was I supposed to know that this would be the case? I would be greatly obliged if you made your product descriptions clearer." Now there is sure to be no confusion.
And it's good to see there is some real silver yarn in there too. Not enough clothing is made from precious metals these days.

Nice glasses.

LS Mille Jersey


And now from the "long sleeve summer jersey" range comes the LS Mille.
Pardon? Did you say "long sleeve summer jersey"? Surely that's not possible. As we know;
long sleeve = winter
short sleeve = summer
What the hell is going on here? ASSOS, you've really dropped your bundle with this one. And just to ensure we are all as confused as possible, "The Mille Jersey, both long and short sleeve is a generous relaxed cut. For standard fit please select one size smaller than your normal ASSOS jersey." So, basically what your saying is if you purchase your normal size, the jersey will be too big. There must have been a problem in the factory with the labels or something.

I'm pretty sure this must be a size down; this guy does not look relaxed or generous.

And now let's check out the offerings from the women's range. As I'm not a woman, I obviously can't comment on the performance of these garments. So, we'll just see what happens...


First up, the FI 13 LADY S5

"WITH _S5, ASSOS INTRODUCES A SPECIFIC, HIGH-PERFORMANCE, LADY VERSION OF THE FI.13 TAILORED FOR THE ATHLETIC FEMALE BODY. FOR LADIES WHO DEMAND THE ULTIMATE.
In Comparison to the Previous ASSOS FI Generation, the improvements can be summarised as follows;
25% Less Volume Less Weight
23% Less Pressure On Genital Area
35% Extra Breathable Fabric / Insert / AEPD
18% More Compression On Muscle Zone"

Ah, OK...

I don't know what to write here...

T FI.Lady Knicker RX

"Perfect for autumn days on the bike"
So, these aren't to be worn casually then?

Ah...they're new.

FI LADY KNICKER T (BUCKLE STRAP) ROUBAIX

"Designed to anatomically contour the female body and to be used in temperatures ranging from +10 to +18 degrees Celsius. Made of the fleecy skin comfort ASSOS RX fabric. Featuring the ASSOS Elastic Interface FI.Lady insert, the newly designed women monobib construction, a mesh back for increased ventilation, Spandex bordered bibs and reflective stripes for increased visibility and safety."

I can't help but feel you're pigeon-holing yourself with that temperature range here ASSOS. Surely people are generally able to dress themselves while taking into account variables such as temperature.

What might the photographer have said to get this pose? Maybe, "OK, darling, just give me a natural pose. Pretend I'm not here."

H FI LADY S5 BLACK
"One notable of the new model is a half leg gripper that doesn't squeeze the leg too hard. This is extremely comfortable."

I'm sure it is...

I'm glad she's not wearing a top. I couldn't possibly have been able to comprehend this garment otherwise.

hK.434
"ASSOS hK.4434 redefines comfort, fit, support and freedom of movement in a women's 3/4 knicker. A true innovation."

Yes, innovative...

Boxing?

That's all for today folks. I hope you enjoyed your tour of the ASSOS range. Stay tuned for more product reviews in the future.


P.S. Check out this post from the Fat Cyclist for more ASSOS gold.