I'm a human. This is why I hate other humans.

A response to I’m a cyclist. This is why I hate other cyclists.

Homosapienness is a great way to exist in the world. They can eat whatever they want and watch porn. But something about their opposable thumbs and ability to record information brings out the sanctimonious populist in too many humans. Here are their most annoying habits:

Selfish life endangerers. You know the ones. They don’t think about others and go about their days risking people’s lives. Some drive too fast or go through red lights. Others read their texts while at the wheel. Save it for the other animals, dude.

Queue jumpers. Coles, Sunday, 5.30pm – you’re part of a solid stream of shoppers waiting at the express checkout. But that won’t stop some avoiding eye contact and skipping to the front (one day I’ll whip up the courage to say something). A look of contrition at least? You must be kidding.

Murderers. You’re minding your own business having a shower and getting to the crescendo of ‘I Will Always Love You’. Then some guy dressed as a clown stabs you eighteen times. What’s with that?

Complex coffee orderers. You enter your favourite laneway café to be subjected to someone ordering a large soy decaf matcha mocha macchiato. Seriously, these people should be locked up. Where do they get off?

Espresso wankers. Hipsters who only drink single origin coffee from artisanal micro-roasters. To them, anyone who has milk in their coffee is a lesser being. Get in some looser jeans and maybe you’ll be less uptight, bro.

Rich people who also seem to be nice. They have their Porsches and their fancy trips overseas. That should be enough, right? Wrong. They’re also friendly, have healthy relationships and enjoy exercise.

Bad writers who peddle click-bait. They write for Fairfax Media and News Corp and produce C-grade content that propagates and encourages bigotry and narrowmindedness. They generally write anti-cycling articles and, in their spare time, strangle puppies. On top of that, they can’t conjugate their verbs correctly (see ‘swerve’ under ‘Balancing act’).

Missiles on wheels

A couple of two-wheeled missiles

Sometimes I think that if it wasn't for The Herald Sun, this blog wouldn't exist. And with that in mind, today I'd like to explore an investigative report from the Law and Order section of yesterday's edition.

The crux of the report can be summed up in this sentence:

The Herald Sun clocked 170 bike riders with a calibrated radar gun at Southbank last week, with 73 caught doing more than 20km in the 10km zone.

At first I was confused. Since when was there a distance limit for cyclists? Why can't I ride more than 10 kilometres when passing through Southbank? How does a radar gun, designed for measuring speed, calculate the distance a cyclist will travel? And how on earth would a person ride a bicycle for 20 kilometres? That seems like an awfully long way.

But then I realised the investigative journalists meant kilometres per hour. They are journalists after all, not physicists. Easy mistake to make and one which they rectified later on in their exposé.

Chariots of Fire

It's been a year since I've added to this blog. A couple of things have contributed to this. One is a new and very special addition to my life which can be viewed in the photo above; my Moots Mooto-X mountain bike. It has been a labour of love that I've put a lot of time both into and onto.

What's more, I've sired a progeny, Theo, who also happens to be in the photo above (he's inside that trailer or "thing"). And I bought a white car and a house with a picket fence behind which I've planted some vegetables and sometimes I listen to ABC Radio National.

And all this inside 12 months. It takes most people, like, a decade to achieve all these grown-up things. Like with many things in my life (talking, walking, sleeping, reading, maths, using analogue clocks), I lagged behind but then caught up. It's an approach that worries my parents but it seems to work for me.

Sorry mum. Sorry dad.

Anyway, I digress, or would have had I begun with the topic to which the rest of this post will be devoted.

This trailer is a recent acquisition and I've been a bit surprised by the responses of friends and family. Some people seem to have pretty strong feelings about the use of these "things". The concerns are to do with the contraption's position and stature; it's low, it's close to the ground, cars can't see it, it's dangerous.

Magpie swooping season

If you wanted yet another reason to hate Collingwood, magpie-swooping season may be just what you're looking for.



If you've ventured outdoors in recent months, you may well have experienced the indignity of being dive-bombed by an overly-agressive bird with delusions of grandeur. That's because it's nesting season and by walking or cycling past their tree, you're a threat.

Some facts (that I stole form this Australian Geographic article):

• 9-12% of all magpies swoop aggressively.
• Nearly all attacks take place during nesting, between August and November.
• 99% of swoops on humans are by male magpies.
• 52% of swooping magpies target pedestrians and ignore cyclists. They’ll also let most people walk by untroubled, swooping on just 35 per cent of them.
• 8% of aggressive birds target only cyclists, showing no interest in pedestrians but going for 65 per cent of passing bike riders.
• 29% of aggressive magpies target both cyclists and pedestrians.
• Sometimes swooping magpies target specific individuals – repeatedly attacking one person in a family and leaving the rest alone. They have long-term memories so can continue attacking an individual years later.

So, are there any ways to avoid being attacked? Well, some people seem to think so. Like this person;

Police to "target" safe cycling

"Police will this month put their wheels in motion and target bike safety as part of the 29th annual Safe Cycle Month." - VicPolice website

So, this month, safe cycling will be "targeted".

Let's break that down a bit;

Target: verb (used with object)

• to use, set up, or designate as a target or goal. 
• to direct toward a target: The new warheads can be targeted with great precision. 
• to make a target of (an object, person, city, etc.) for attack or bombardment.

I guess they're going for the first reading, however, I can't help but think they could have chosen a better word, like one that isn't a synonym for dropping bombs. Perhaps something like "promote" or "champion" or "advocate".

Especially when on the very page they are targetting promoting their campaign they have this at the bottom;

Now it's as though if you're a "target", you've either recently robbed an ATM or you're a cyclist.

What's more,

"Cyclists who are observed displaying safe cycling behaviour during Safe Cycle Month will be given an information card by police. This card contains road rules and safety tips, and cyclists will have the chance to win a number of prizes."

Ah, shouldn't cyclists displaying unsafe cycling behaviour be the ones to receive this information? I guess they'll just get a fine.

So, what tips are offered by the five-O on being a safe cyclist? Well, there's this;

“Bike owners need to check that their bike is in roadworthy condition and that their helmets are well fitted.”

So don't go getting one of those $5 helmets from 7-Eleven because I can assure you they will not fit.

"Wearing bright clothing and planning journeys in advance along safe routes will also reduce the risk of injury on the road."

Under no circumstances should you make an unplanned journey. I once made this mistake and I can tell you it was not pretty. I didn't have any food supplies or wet-weather equipment. I only had a vague idea of what direction to head in and the sun was beating down. If it weren't for the existence of street signs and thirty years of local knowledge, I don't know if I ever would have made it. I guess god does exist.

Oh, and the fact that I was riding to a rave was also helpful as I was wearing a becoming fluoro ensemble that warned all and sundry that I was there.

So, if you plan on riding around this month, watch out because “Police will be watching, acting and enforcing the road rules for the safety of all.”

I think @Treadlie Magazine summed the whole thing up pretty well with this tweet;

Bike-Changing World Champion

Blink and you'll miss. Don't blink and you'll probably miss it too. Here is a video of Quentin Jauregui riding for France in the recent Junior World Road Race Championship.

His mechanics clearly find it pretty impressive too as does a bystander who asks whether the rider actually just changed bikes.

Here's another video which shows the change a bit more clearly;



Apparently, Jauregui has a cyclocross background which explains his skill somewhat.

For the record, while he may be a bike-changing world champion, in the actual race he came 46th.

MoreArt 2012

Wall pastings by Sadie Chandler

I went on a bike ride today to check out MoreArt, the Moreland City Council Art Show. As part of the show, the friendly folk down at the Squeaky Wheel are taking cyclists on tours of the Moreland area
showcasing art that has been displayed.

Today we began our exploration at Coburg train station and meandered our way southwards on the train line. Along the way we saw various paintings and installations, each with a story and a local bent. Some of the artists even came along for the ride to explain their works.

Details and photos below the break.

Trials of bicycling

Here's some nice footage of Melbourne trials rider, Andrew Dickey, jumping on things all around Melbourne.

The only thing that would improve this video is if he jumped onto the Ferrari at 2"45'. Oh, and if the music were different.

Enjoy.

MKS Titanium Aero Bell

Every once in a while, a new product comes along that makes so much sense you can't help but wonder why it took so long to be invented.

This is the case with the MKS Titanium Aero bell. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I've often looked down at my standard non-aero bell and cursed it for being heavy (making the handling of my bicycles unpredictable) and substantially reducing the aerodynamics of my hybrid.

The MKS Titanium Aero bell solves both of these problems. Made from aerospace-grade titanium, this little beauty tips the scales at a measly 16 grams.

And its aerodynamic properties are truly mind-boggling. The Weekly Cycle tech department have conducted tests in a wind tunnel and found that over a 40 kilometre time trial, the MKS Titanium Aero bell will save a cyclist between 45 and 60 seconds over other leading bells.

What's even more extraordinary is that it's actually faster running the MKS Titanium Aero bell than no bell at all. 15 seconds as it happens.

Unfortunately, due to UCI Article 1.3.024, which states "Any device, added or blended into the structure, that is destined to decrease, or which has the effect of decreasing, resistance to air penetration or artificially to accelerate propulsion, such as a protective screen, fuselage form fairing or the like, shall be prohibited", professional cyclists will not be able to take advantage of this new piece of equipment.

That said, there's nothing stopping us mortal amateurs (and triathletes) from using one. And at only $60, why wouldn't you?

Keirin racing

This is a fascinating documentary about Keirin racing in Japan. The sport was developed there in 1948 (according to the internet) or 1949 (according to the film) as a way to raise money to help the war-ravaged nation recover.

It's interesting to see such a culturally-specific and unique interpretation of the sport of cycling.

The doco features the Japan Keiren School. Apparently, the 10% of applicants who are accepted into the school endure intensive 15-hour days in the hope of graduating to become professionals.

The Japanese spend close to 10 billion dollars on bets each year.

SEX SEX hire a bike SEX SEX

Ah, OK, I should begin by saying that you shouldn't watch the video below while at work unless you're a colleague of Ron Jeremy or something.

This clip is an advertisement for a Russian bicycle hire company. The voice-over states, "It's not important how you use the bicycles you rent from us. What matters is that you return them on time and intact."

So there you go. Next time you're in Russia and after a hire bike, you'll know where to turn. Or not.

All I can say is, if sex sells, these guys will rent out a lot of bikes...


Prokatvrostove - Bike season 2012 open from prokatvrostove on Vimeo.

iCycling

Well before eBooks and iPhones, cycling had its own phenomenon that was named by taking what it was and adding a single-letter prefix; iCycling.

Unlike the 'e' in email and the 'i' in iTunes, which  simply stand for 'electronic' and nothing really, respectively, the 'i' in iCycling not only stands for 'ice', it also gets you saying 'ice' as you read the whole name. How cool is that (pun intended)? You could even read it  as icicle-ing, if you were that way inclined.

It would be like if someone making a new sport that required contestants to kill people in the most cunning or proficient way. They'd be mad not to call it 'sKilling'. Killing with skill. Yep, they'd be mad...not to...

Anyway, someone did invent iCycling way back in ancient times. And to prove it, here is some archive footage from 1939. I'm not sure where it's from but I would guess France based on the Pathé stamp on the footage. It turns out this footage is most likely from Canada (thanks to "British guy" for the information).

To commute…

verb (used without object)

-to travel regularly over some distance, as from a suburb into a city and back: He commutes to work by train.

-to put my head out the door and check the temperature. It’s cold so I put my jacket on. Almost as soon as I start pedalling, my legs burn a little. That happens every morning. It’s their way of waking up. Soon after I settle into a rhythm and take in the morning. It’s been raining. My clothes let me cheat the fresh, cold air. I love the contrast I can feel between my covered skin and the few exposed parts that sting slightly. As usual, I’m too warm by the time I arrive at the traffic lights under the bridge. I pull over, remove my jacket and stuff it in my bag. As I’m doing this, a girl on a cruiser pulls up in the bike lane. The lights change to green and I pedal past her on the footpath and then hop onto the road. I ride around the corner and down the ramp then across the bridge over the river. As I approach the bike path on the other side, I notice the girl on the cruiser riding along ahead. She’s taken a route I didn’t know about. I’ll have to try that tomorrow. Soon after I pass the girl again, feeling a bit silly, even though she probably doesn’t recognise me from earlier. I ride along the edge of the bike path because that bit avoids the ripple strips before each of the pedestrian crossings. Lots of people ride along the edge. It’s nice and smooth there. Near the construction site, I come across the fat construction worker. I see him a few times a week. He doesn’t work at the construction site. I’m not even sure if he’s a construction worker but that’s what he is to me. His right knee bends out each time he pedals. He must have an old injury. From a car accident in my mind. Then the English guy who used to come into the bike shop I once worked at passes in the opposite direction. I often see him but I don’t think he recognises me. I’m getting even warmer now. I remove my gloves and stuff them into my pocket. The wind is blowing quite hard this morning although not as much as yesterday. It’s a north-westerly. Which of course means it’s travelling south-east. I’ve always found it odd that wind is defined by where it comes from rather than where it’s going. Then I get to thinking about what gets described like wind. Not trams or buses. No one cares where they’ve been, unless they've picked up a crazy person or someone who's spewed. Maybe people. They are usually defined by what they’ve achieved rather than what they hope to. That’s all I can think of. My nose starts to get runny. I blow it into the air and watch the snot glisten in the sun as it’s carried south east by the north westerly. Then I see Hugh coming in the opposite direction. I met him in Timor last year. We see each other most mornings. Today, we give each other a high-five as we pass one another. Hugh’s hand hits my wrist. It stings a bit. It’s our first high five though. I’m sure we’ll do better next time. My nose is runny again. I blow it again. I reach the end of the bike path so join the road. There’s a bit more traffic than usual because it’s been wet. Cars stream past me. Then I turn right and the traffic is banked up. I pedal past the cars. A truck’s engine is making a high-pitched noise. It sounds like there’s a miniature traffic jam inside it replete with angry horns. I ride on. I pass by the 1965 Ford Falcon. Its number plate is NEATXP. It is neat. It’s been driven since yesterday. It’s facing the opposite direction in its driveway. As usual, the bus and I have our little battle along this stretch of road. It passes me. Then I pass it when it stops to pick up passengers. This repeats four or five times. Near the end I turn right then left and I’m almost there. I ride the last stretch directly into the wind. Then I cross the road at the crossing while giving a nod to the crossing lady. I arrive at work forty-five minutes after sticking my head out the door to check the temperature and it’s time to start work.

-to make substitution.

-to serve as a substitute. .

-to make a collective payment, especially of a reduced amount, as an equivalent for a number of payments.

VicRoads Melbourne bicycle survey

I was stopped on my commute to work this morning by a guy conducting a survey. He asked me if I had two minutes to spare to answer his questions. I didn't - I was running late. But I like surveys and I figured it was about bicycles so I lied and agreed to answer his questions.

The "survey is about your cycling travel and particularly about how you perceive different types of cycling facilities such as shared paths, cycleways and on-road bicycle lanes. The information you provide in this survey will be used by VicRoads to inform the development of policies and guidelines and ultimately target investment towards areas that will make cycling a safer, more comfortable and enjoyable experience."

If you're like me and like bicycles and surveys (and live in Melbourne), you can do an online version here. It's a bit long but it's a survey so it's fun.

Dooring fine now $352

Yesterday, I received a press release from Greg Barber, the Victorian Greens Leader, announcing that his campaign to increase the fine for dooring has been successful. I've always thought that an increase in education and cycling infrastructure would be more effective in decreasing the incidence of dooring incidents than increasing the fine, but I guess this can't hurt.

Here's the press release;

Every cyclist feels the threat of being doored when riding by parked cars. Too many have been unfortunate and have been doored, and there has been tragic deaths as a result.
Dooring is now the most common cause of a bike crash and this is why The Greens have been taking urgent action to reduce the threat of car doors to cyclists. 
The response of the cycling community to the Parliamentary Inquiry into The Greens Dooring Bill (Road Safety Amendment (Car Doors) Bill 2012) has been large and positive, and has resulted in a win for cyclists.
The government yesterday announced that the on the spot fine for 'dooring' has more than doubled to $352. This is a vast improvement on the measly $141 fine that existed previously; that's less than the fine for not having a bell on your bike!
Congratulations go to all of you who made a submission via our website (view here: http://vicmps.greens.org.au/dooring) and for those who participated in other ways. It shows what a strong community can achieve when working together - this is your win.
While more than doubling of the dooring fine is a great improvement, and the dooring issue has received much exposure and publicity in the process, more needs to be done. 
The Greens are working to ensure the penalty matches the seriousness of the offence - doorings can cause serious injury and death. 
The Greens Dooring Bill includes loss of three demerit points from the drivers licence, making the penalty a closer match to the seriousness of the offence. The greater the penalty, the greater the deterrent. I will be pursuing this in the passage of The Greens Bill through the Parliament.
We will keep you informed on how this proceeds.
In the meantime we will keep up the work campaigning to bring back the bike budget and improve cyclist safety with The Greens Bike Blackspot app - put your blackspot on the map here: http://vicmps.greens.org.au/lovemybike.
Safe cycling.

Greg Barber
Victorian Greens Leader and Spokesperson on Transport

Meanwhile, if you'd like to avoid being doored, here's some advice.

How to buy a bike

I'm not here to offer financial advice on bike purchases. Obviously, the physical act of buying a bike involves exchanging money for the product. There are a few different ways to do this, such as cash, credit cards and payment plans, but I'll let you figure out what's best for you when it comes to these more mundane issues.

Instead, I'm here to offer advice on buying a bike when, for some reason or other, you're not inclined to or perhaps aren't allowed to.

Often, the only barrier to getting a new set of wheels is someone else; be it a wife, husband, father or any other rational human being whose financial sense outweighs their love for bicycles (if indeed they even possess a love for bicycles). For the remainder of this post, such people will be lovingly referred to as the Minister of War and Finance.

Specious arguments / Lame excuses

A couple of years ago, my Minister of War and Finance and I drove across the Nullarbor. This trip involved a lot of coastal driving which would have seen my steel road bike potentially suffer from rust. Not wanting to dunk it in fish oil, rendering it stinky forever, I posited that I needed to buy an aluminium road bike. Two weeks later I was the proud owner of a Cannondale CAAD10.

My Cannondale, not rusting in Esperance, Western Australia.

Nerd Night - Le Tour de France

Nerd Night is a fortnightly event held in Phnom Penh. At the latest edition, I gave a presentation on the Tour de France. Since it took place on my penultimate evening in the Cambodian capital, meaning I would likely never see anywhere there ever again, I decided to give the talk in lycra.

The format of the night is simple; 20 slides, 20 seconds each. I tried to cover a bit of everything that might help the uninitiated better grasp the complex beast that is Le Tour.

Excuse me if I speak a little fast; there's an awful lot to get through.

Is Bradley Wiggins a c**t? Cut

Warning: This post contains rude words, like "c**t". If you're not offended by such language, you can read the unedited post here.

Halfway into the Tour and it looks like Bradley Wiggins is going to win the thing. Of course, he could crash or crack, but I think those are the only two scenarios that are likely to derail his chances. And in my opinion, neither are very likely.

So, let's turn to a more important issue. Namely, is Bradley Wiggins a c**t?

Is Bradley Wiggins a c**t? Uncut

Warning: This post contains rude words, like "c**t". If you're offended by such language, I have written an alternative post here.

Halfway into the Tour and it looks like Bradley Wiggins is going to win the thing. Of course, he could crash or crack, but I think those are the only two scenarios that are likely to derail his chances. And in my opinion, neither are very likely.

So, let's turn to a more important issue. Namely, is Bradley Wiggins a cunt?

Bicycle Sounds

People often meld bicycles and art. There's the bike sculpture by Ai Weiwei and the Cyclotrope by Tim Wheatley to name but two.

And here we have music made with bicycles. It's by New Yorker (where else?) Stephen Meierding and recently won the Bike Shorts film festival in New York (where else?).


Bicycle Sounds from Stephen Meierding on Vimeo.